Relationship Tips - Enhancing Your Relationship During Infertility
Introduction
Most couples enter the path towards parenthood expecting that it will occur without too much problem. After all, they spend most of their lives trying not to get pregnant and assume that when they consciously start trying, pregnancy will soon be achieved. As the months or even years go by without a baby, and efforts to achieve pregnancy are increased—from intrusive testing to high technology treatments—the path turns into the emotional rollercoaster of infertility
Infertility can be a real test of a couple’s relationship and shake the foundation of a marriage. It can make a solid relationship stronger and weaken the core of a troubled one. Because infertility is a crisis, it is out of the realm of experience of most couples and thus challenges them to develop new strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with this life crisis. The good news is research has shown that, for most infertile couples, the experience strengthens their marriage by teaching them life-long skills to deal with problems. Since infertility is one of many challenges couples may face in their life together, the skills learned can be adapted to use at other difficult times.
Relationships, like anything you want to grow and thrive, have to be tended to flourish. They are like a garden that must be carefully planted and then receive adequate amounts of nutrients such as sun, water, fertilizer, and cultivation to blossom. If the garden is neglected too long or receives too much of these nutrients, the plants will wither and die. Relationships are also like a bank account—you can’t continue to make withdrawals without depositing something back or you will end up overdrawn. Infertility can be like a “withdrawal,” draining intimacy from your marriage and depleting your emotional resources. It can cause you to neglect your relationship, focusing all energy on the baby quest. In effect, infertility can create a life of its own in a marriage, causing you to lose sight of what brought you together in the first place and what is necessary for a healthy family to grow in the future.
For a marriage to survive the crisis of infertility, couples have to learn to continue to make “deposits” and “tend the garden.” Understanding the ways in which the stress of infertility can strain a relationship, couples must make special efforts to put positive energy into a marriage during this time. If you are an infertile couple, there are steps you can take to enhance your relationship so that it grows and thrives. The following are some suggestions to help you along the way:
1.Work as a team.
No matter who is identified as “the patient,” infertility is a couple problem. Always approach the issues as a team, working together and finding ways to share responsibility regarding treatment. Avoid finger-pointing as nobody ever wins the blame game.
2.Plan playtime.
Since dealing with infertility can feel like a full-time job, it is important to “take time off” by consciously make time for each other. Have regular dates where you can have fun and take a break from infertility. Vacations are also playtime, and having things to look forward that are under your control is positive. Look for ways to put nurturing energies in the relationship, making your partner a priority.
3.Separate baby-making from love-making.
Infertility often puts strain on a couple’s sexual relationship and what was once fun has now become a tedious job. You may want to designate different rooms in your house for your intimate work versus play. Remember the ways you enjoyed sex early in your relationship and find ways to recreate it. Plan romantic encounters at non-fertile times, such as a bubble bath together or giving a massage. Understand that sexual intimacy does not have to mean intercourse and use your imagination to plan recreational sex.
4.Build a support system.
Couples often have an unconscious expectation that their spouse will be able to take care of all their emotional needs. This is a daunting task during infertility and an impossibility for any relationship. Infertility can be an isolating experience and put undue pressure on a partner for providing all emotional support. Support from others can strengthen relationships, especially during times of stress. Encourage friendships for yourself, your spouse, and as a couple. Work towards balance in your support network by having friends both in and out of the infertility world.
5.Identify individual coping styles under stress.
Know your own and your partner's styles for dealing with stress. Learning how to accept differences in the way each of you handles and deals with your feelings can lessen conflicts. Like many things in life, men and women will feel and deal differently with infertility. However, different doesn't mean better or worse; it only means not the same.
6.Allow breathing room in your relationship.
Realize that marriages are fluid and in a constant state of change due to the many external and internal factors in your life, including infertility. During times of stress, try to give each other some space and distance to allow for transition. Understand that couples are seldom at the same place, at the same time, when at treatment crossroads.
7.Communicate the positives.
Often we neglect to communicate our positive feelings to our partner, and all he or she may hear are negatives. Changes in behavior come more from positive reinforcement than from negative. Also, infertility may consume your life and engulf all your conversations. It may be necessary to put limits on the time you talk about infertility to designated periods, such as 20 minutes in the evening, so that it does not overtake all your communication.
8.Keep a sense of humor.
No matter how tough things get, being able to find something humorous about the situation helps to relieve the tension. Laughing together is good for the health of your relationship.
9.Seek help before problems get too big.
Infertility can put terrible strains on relationships and couples need to consider counseling as a resource of support and information to deal with problems. If you find that you are at an impasse or your usual coping strategies aren't working in the relationship, counseling may help. .
Whatever the reasons for the desire to have children, that desire are so strong in many of us that it cannot be satisfied-when a couple is infertile-it can cause clinical depression, marriage breakups and even suicide. Here are some anonymous testimonies as to how it feels to be unable to have a much-wanted child:
“It binds two people together to have a child between them, and this is what we are looking for, and it wasn’t coming.
“Infertility” is a horrible title. It does something inside you that no one understands unless they have experienced it”
‘when you really want a child, and you can't have one, it becomes everything in the world to you’. You can say ,”oh well ,no, I’m never going to be like that”, and then all of a sudden it’s the only thing you want in life to have a baby and people that have children very easily perhaps don’t understand some of the traumas people go through’
I think if somebody said to me, “cut off your right arm and we will guarantee you a healthy baby” I probably would have done that. It’s just something that I really, really wanted. I really, really needed it’.
10. THE RECIPE FOR MAKING BABIES
Take: 1 healthy sperm 1 healthy ovum 1 healthy womb Add: Relaxation Water Fresh air Nutrients Natural daylight
Mature for three months,then mix and gestate for nine months at 37 degrees centigrade in a non-toxic environment. ( Dian Shepperson Mills)
11. Emotional Aspects of Infertility
Infertility is without a doubt a life altering experience. From your self esteem, to your plans and dreams for the future relationships with friends, family and even your spouse can all be affected. Sadly, attention seems to be focused on the physical aspects of infertility, and the emotional aspects often go ignored and untreated. People just don't realize how emotionally challenging and overwhelming it all can be on a couple.
Because infertility is such a personal and private issue, many couples are hesitant to share their experience openly with friends and family. Avoiding questions and curiosities about "when you are having children" can end up driving a wedge between everyone close in your life. As a result, many couples suffer intensely and end up feeling isolated. However, they are not alone. In fact, 15% of all married couples experience infertility with all the feelings and frustrations that go with it.
In this section, we will look at the emotional stages of infertility and strategies to deal with them. We hope that this section will help you in coping with your own feelings and in coming to a resolution that is comfortable for you. With time, patience, support and knowledge, most people eventually come to terms with their infertility.
12. Realization and Acknowledgement
Most couples assume that when the time is right, they will begin their family, and will get pregnant shortly after they stop using birth control. However, as each cycle passes, anticipation is replaced by concern. Couples are likely to feel shock and dismay when they realize they can't conceive as easily as they thought. For couples who are used to being in control of their lives and getting what they want if they work hard enough, this can be a tough pill to swallow.
Questions start haunting them - What if they're never able to have children? Could they be sterile? What is causing the problem? These thoughts are very frightening to people who have never conceived a child. It is normal for couples to encounter a wide range of emotions before actually acknowledging they may have a fertility problem.
13. Emotions
The following are some examples of what a couple often experiences during the difficult acknowledgment stage:
The woman is often the first to realize that they may have a fertility problem.
The man might need to be convinced that medical intervention may be necessary.
Feelings of frustration, anger, denial, guilt, blame, self pity and jealousy begin to occur.
Emotions and disagreements in the marriage become magnified.
14. Coping Strategies
There are several coping strategies to help you get through this difficult stage.
Communication with others who are or have experienced difficulty conceiving will help you realize you are not alone. However, it's important to remember everyone is unique and your situation is not exactly like anyone else's.
If you are over 35 years of age and have been trying to conceive for 6 months or longer, or are under 35 and have been trying for 1 year or more, you should make an initial appointment with your doctor.
Be prepared for the fact that your feelings and your partner's feelings may differ, in different ways and stages.
Expect to feel a mixture of fear, anxiety or relief or anxiety when you seek help from your doctor.
Communication with your partner is critical during this time. This may not always be easy, but you need each other's support now, and keeping the lines of communication open is vital.
It is perfectly normal to feel frustration and anger that things aren't going as you planned, but it's easy to become consumed with this. Try to redirect your focus on positive things such as a favorite hobby or new activity.
When you suspect there may be a problem, responding to this early, rather than putting it off can increase a couple's chances for a successful outcome. The earlier a problem is identified, the sooner your physician can recommend a treatment program that is suitable for you.
15. Evaluation and Diagnosis
During this stage, couples are looking to find an answer for their inability to conceive. Although the testing period can be evasive, stressful and expensive, the possibility of finding a diagnosis and solution gives a new sense of hope and direction. Being in the hands of a good doctor can also be reassuring.
16. Emotions
These are some common, and very normal reactions felt by couples during the evaluation stage: ·
Loss of control. A feeling that doctors and tests are starting to control your life. Daily routines are now being scheduled around doctors' appointments and your cycle.
Anger or disappointment at your own body. Feelings of "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?"
Resentment towards others who are pregnant or have children, who didn't have to endure this physical, mental and financial stress to conceive their children.
Sense of sexuality may diminish. What used to be spontaneous and fun is now technical and monitored, not only by the couple, but with their doctor.
Shame and embarrassment over not functioning normally.
Need for secrecy. Explaining the infertility testing to others can be very embarrassing, and can result in isolation from friends and family.
Inability or difficulty in communicating with your partner, family and friends.
Lack of privacy due to the invasive nature of tests. What was an issue between you and your spouse is now also between your doctor and the staff.
A feeling of being misunderstood by those who have children or those who are pregnant. Well meaning advice and opinions from those who have not experienced this can be very much resented.
Shock, numbness and often a great sense of relief when a diagnosis is confirmed.
17. Coping Strategies
These are some suggested coping strategies that may help you through this trying time.
Educate yourself. Read and learn as much as you can about infertility.
Communicate emotions and fears to your partner on a regular basis, as much as you can.
Support one another, and understand that this is a stressful time on both of you, no matter how each partner deals with it on the outside.
Know that periods of depression and anxiety may happen.
Allow yourself private time to work through your thoughts and feelings.
Get support. Find a support group, or someone who has been through this. Try sharing your problem with supportive friends or other family members.
Going to doctors' appointments together is important, so you both understand the tests and procedures and what the medical team is looking for from both partners.
Make a list of your questions and concerns to take to your appointments, so you don't forget to ask. It's normal to be become nervous or sidetracked during an appointment, and often you remember things you wish you would have asked while you were there.
The evaluation can test a marriage in ways never before imagined. It's a difficult and and traumatic time for both partners. Providing mutual emotional support and working together will alleviate some of the stress and help to avoid creating distance between a couple. Many couples find that it strengthens the relationship and they find a new sense of security, as they learn to lean on each other for needed reassurance and encouragement. Remember, infertility is not a 'woman's' or a 'man's' problem, it's a 'couple's' problem and should be approached as a team, with full commitment from both partners.
18. Treatment By this point, most couples feel that their infertility is dominating their lives. They can feel like they're riding an emotional roller coaster. Spontaneity and freedom are a thing of the past. They are often mentally and physically exhausted and frustrated with the demands of infertility treatment.
19. Emotions
These are some common emotions and reactions felt by couples during this stage:
Anger and resentment at their infertility for controlling their lives.
Frustration over spending so much time, energy and money with treatments that don't guarantee a baby.
Anger at the injustice and indignity of infertility treatments. Women seem to carry the burden of this in most cases.
Feeling victimized and intimidated by doctors, technology and medication.
Emotional upset due to the powerful, hormonal effects of infertility drugs. Feelings of frustration can become uncontrollably magnified.
An increased sense of vulnerability and sensitivity.
Intercourse can start to be resented, as it can begin to represent failure.
Increased anxiety over financial costs of treatment.
Frustration from feeling life has been put "on hold", and the inability to make short- and long-term plans.
Self-punishment; thoughts of "Maybe we don't deserve to have a child."
Self-blame; "If only we'd done this or that, then we'd have a baby"
The overwhelming need to learn everything about treatment options, success rates, financial costs and insurance coverage.
20. Coping Strategies
These are some suggested strategies to help you cope with the demands of infertility treatment.
Keeping good records of your treatments, paper work, etc. will help you maintain a sense of control, and will make it easier when pursuing insurance coverage.
Don't expect your partner to always feel as you do, at the same times as you do. Share when you can, but don't press it.
Try not to dwell on the short-term ups and downs of treatment.
Allow yourself to unload when you've reached your limit. It's unhealthy to keep frustration and anger pent up.
Consider the possibility of reorganizing your life if treatment becomes overwhelming.
Try not to feel guilty about 'baby-making sex' and accept that this is part of the treatment process.
Make dates to have 'fun sex' during the 'non-fertile' times of the cycle to maintain some intimacy in your relationship.
Seek emotional support and guidance from a counselor or support group.
Although enduring infertility treatment can be the ultimate stress point, it is important to remember that you are not to blame for any failure to respond to therapy. Try to remember that there is always hope, and success may be achieved after considerable effort. Even in normal fertile couples, there is no guarantee of conceiving right away. It may just take time and repeated efforts. A successful resolution may be just around the corner for you, too. Keeping these positive thoughts make it so much more bearable.
21. Resolution
If a couple can get through the physical and emotional strain of infertility treatment, they can likely conquer anything in life together. The ability to survive such a demanding and overwhelming experience leaves many couples with renewed self esteem and confidence. Ultimately, reaching the resolution stage is acceptance, and this is an enormous accomplishment.
22. Emotions
This can be a time of re-prioritizing and changing life goals. These are some common emotions couples experience as they work toward resolution:
Acceptance and realization that you can't change or completely control every aspect of your life.
A stronger feeling of closeness with your partner.
Feeling of pure exhaustion and knowing that it is time to move on.
A feeling of relief that you will not be enduring any more physical, emotional or financial strains.
A greater ability to empathize with other people's problems.
Learning that good things can come out of bad experiences.
Realizing life can be fulfilling even when you haven't achieved all your goals.
23. Coping Strategies
These are some coping strategies to help you move toward a resolution.
Communicate with others who have successfully resolved their infertility in different ways.
Continue to gain emotional support and guidance from a counselor or support group.
Focus your time and energy on your spouse and your relationship and find new hobbies and activities you can do together.
Re-establish relationships with friends and family who you may have isolated yourself from during treatment.
Realize that you may venture down the road of infertility treatment again in the future, or you may consider other alternatives, such as adoption.
If after a reasonable period of time you have been unsuccessful, the most important thing to remember is that you always have choices. You can choose to continue treatment options, or you may decide it is no longer a practical option for you and your partner. You can also choose to look at any obstacle as an opportunity for another.
Emotional Aspects of Infertility was brought to you courtesy of Fertile Thoughts. FertileThoughts.com is a web site dedicated to supporting family-building efforts including infertility, adoption, surrogacy, pregnancy and parenting.
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